Author: chatterseed

Have any of you ever just gotten so overwhelmed from thinking about your future that you shut down and withdraw from life? That is what is happening to me right now. The school semester is almost over for me and once it is, I will only have one year left. And I do not love that. It has me thinking about finding an internship, working to provide for myself all summer, saving up to be able to live after I graduate, graduating itself, finding a job after graduation, etc. I am just at that point in my life where things are constantly changing and feel as though they are jumping on me sooner than I am ready for. It’s hard. And I’m tired. My depression is creeping back in on me for another wave and that’s hard to. But, the only way to get through it is to keep on a routine and push against it. Sometimes it’s okay to have a day or two where you can’t/don’t want to find it. Just as long as you don’t let it consume you. That’s where I struggle.

So, I am making myself write this week’s post, even if I don’t feel like I really have much to say. I might be a bit of a downer in this, but that’s just life. Sometimes you just have down days. I think part of what is contributing to my depressive wave rising, is that I have just been feeling so incredibly lonely lately. It’s hard! Being in college, having a job, taking care of yourself, it’s hard to be social and make good friends. And dating is even harder. I haven’t had many opportunities to try and date while out in the world, so dating apps is where I have been. And let me tell you, that is not the vibe. It messes with self esteem. So, I’m taking a brief pause from that as I finish out the semester. Maybe something new will come this summer and I’ll get back on it but for now, I’m tired and need to pass my classes happily.

Another thing that makes life hard sometimes is social media. For example, I don’t think anyone actually reads this blog. And that’s okay, but it does sting a little when I think about it. And Instagram? I love keeping up with my friends but lately, I’ve spent way more time doom scrolling than actually catching up with and following along with people’s lives and I’m thinking I might take a hiatus. However, to put this blog out there, I need to use Instagram to gain exposure. So maybe I need to download it once a week to post blog things? Or just mute notifications and practice self-control? I don’t know chatterseeds. It’s tough right now.

Even though I’m feeling down right now, I know that it is only temporary and that I will feel better again soon. I hope that y’all are doing well and that if you aren’t, you know that you aren’t alone and that it won’t last forever. You guys are great. </3

Y’allllll do I have a STORY for you. But first, updates on those decisions I had to make. All worked out with the apartment and I will officially be moving (again) in the fall! Even though its just like, three blocks away, I am quite excited. It should be a good deal, and I will still have a private room which is super important haha I need my space. Job? I would get great hours and yes, slightly less tips, but it would not be the end of the world. I have to wait to be put on the potential store’s schedule but that should be coming soon, I’ll def keep you updated on that.

Another update, I got a cat! Well, sort of. Legally she’s my roommates but we’re pretty sure I am going to keep it 🙂 I am sooo excited. She’s so cute, a little black cat with classic green eyes and she’s so shy but also so feisty. She is still adjusting to her new home (my room only for right now) and hasn’t approached me but she has let me pet her occasionally when I find her hiding spot so thats cool! I named her Bella, it was not originally a Twilight reference but after coming up with the name and then thinking about the similarities (shy, black cat, feisty), it does kind of fit. And I like Twilight so I’m not mad about it. I will keep you all updated on our bonding situation, do not even worry.

Alrighty chatterseeds, the time you have all been waiting for, another date(?) story. I say date(?) because it was not very clear if it was just a ‘hangout’ or an actual date. Regardless, it was awful. I will admit, I was a bit naive and mistakes were made but 100 bad days make 100 good stories right? (AJR, super good song). Also, I feel I need to say, as prepared as you think you may be for this story, I promise you, you are nowhere near even slightly prepared for what I am about to tell you. Okay, let’s dive in.

I am slightly embarrassed to admit that we met on Snapchat. I know, I know. But listen chatterseeds, it is ROUGH out here and I like to play a risky game called I’m-bored-so-let’s-add-random-guys-back-on-Snap. It’s dumb but oh well what’s happened has happened. Moving on, whilst talking and getting to know each other he said that we should hangout sometime and I was totally game. He only lived about a half an hour away and he would come down to me (as he should) so no biggie. However, it started to get kind of weird guys. I really should’ve just stopped while I was ahead but I was kind of desperate for male attention last week and this so whatever. Anywho, he at one point was like so I’m guessing no kissing hahaha. And I was like what??? And he was like, you don’t wanna kiss and I was like no?? I don’t even know you. To which he was like yeah that’s true my b. Anyways I was a little weirded out but unfortunately that is so common these days and at least we got that out of the way. However, later he asked if I ever hugged or cuddled the first time hanging out with someone. And I said that I mean I’ll hug them maybe but I’m not gonna cuddle with someone I don’t know, that’s totally awkward…He left it alone and I thought okay that’s clear too moving on but no. Kid later was like what if we just cuddled and chilled and didn’t do anything else and I was like no! I asked if that was going to be a dealbreaker and he was like no no no you’re right I need to be better. He talked about how since he had made his covenants (another religious thing) he was trying to be better to stay worthy of them and what not and that he was sorry. For some reason I let it go and was still game to hangout, though I was a bit wary at this point. We were going to go on a walk and that’s because he was being weird about doing literally anything else, he was even being weird about a walk but i pushed and so that’s what we landed on. He comes over and when I open the door he comes inside and I’m like ???. I say okay we can just go now and he was like oh okay. Then he asks if we’re driving and I’m like dude we are going on a walk what the heck. So we begin walking and this dude freaking parked in a no parking zone and facing the wrong direction!! (Spoiler Alert: He got two parking tickets…) Anyways, he was making really weird and not funny jokes the whole time we were walking and I was very unimpressed. Where I was taking us was barely a 10-15 minute walk away but about halfway through this boy started complaining that we were walking too much. Like sir what? He then out of nowhere says “I used to be fat.” Like okay?? And?? Anyways, we finally reach our destination and are sitting and talking for a bit. It was kinda awkward but oh well. And then after a little while he asked if we could go back to my place because he really had to use the restroom. I was just so unimpressed. So we were walking back and he starts talking about peeing his pants?? I was like what and he asked if I ever had and I was like yeah but like when I was in kindergarten. And he was like yeah me too. Okay?? And then he asked if I’d ever POOPED my pants. I repeat chatterseeds, POOPED my pants. Like what the heck kind of first time meeting someone conversation is this?!?!?! I go, again, like in kindergarten. And he was like oh, not even when you’re sick? And I’m like no?????? And then he was like nah you’re playing because I poop my pants when I’m sick, it’s normal. NO, NO IT’S NOT! Except for the rare exception but mans was talking as though this happens to him freaking regularly. Like ewwwwwwwww. Disgusting what is happening. A little while later he has the audacity to ask if we’re hanging out again. I asked, “Do you want to hangout again???” And he was like I mean sure I guess. (Wow, thanks, so generous of you). And that was when I texted my friend our code to get me the heck outta there. She called me and we pretended she had a medical emergency and that I had to pick her up. I told him he could use the restroom of course first but then I would need to go pick up my friend and we couldn’t watch TV. (Yeah, he wanted to go back to my place and watch TV, like absolutely not). So we get back he sees the parking tickets and then uses the restroom. chatterseeds, he left the freaking toilet seat up. That’s just impolite especially your first time meeting someone and being in their house. Then, he had the AUDACITY to unadd ME. Like, excuse me??? That is so my call but no, he did. Ugh.

Overall, that was a horrendous experience. I’m glad that nothing happened and I was able to have an escape plan. Don’t meet your people on Snapchat y’all, it is not the vibe.

Oh, also, it’s Valentine’s Day today and at first I was feeling really bitter and sad because I would love to have a Valentine are you kidding me? But after I took a shower and got ready for the day I decided that I would just be my own Valentine and treat myself. So I got a pedicure which was so relaxing, then I got some makeup from Ulta, and then I got these earrings at the mall I had been eyeing for months. It was a pretty good day I gave myself so yay for that. And, my roommate and I are going to get a yummy dinner tonight and keep watching America’s Next Top Model which is the show we have been watching lately. We are currently watching season 13 and are getting very close to the end.

Alright chatterseeds, that’s what I’ve got for you this week. I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s, even if you had to be your own. Have a beautiful week and I’ll catch ya next time. Love you all! </3

chatterseeds! What’s good? Another week another blog. Are you proud? Slight consistency hopefully I’m not jinxing it. I’m just taking a win as a win. Anywho, this last week was kind of boring to be honest. Just lots of work, school, and homework, so. much. homework. Being a college student is no joke. Especially being a college student trying to have good habits and actually do their homework and not just procrastinate everything. But hey, at least I’m staying semi on top of things?

Okay I may have fibbed a little now that I am thinking about the week. I have had like two huge decisions to make. 1, do I want to move apartments? 2, do I want to transfer to a location closer to where I live and go to school for my job? Tough decisions. Regarding moving, I’ve moved every year of college so far and it would be nice to stay in one place. However, neither of my housemates want to stay in our apartment and I found a place where I could still have a private room but is a little cheaper, AND it has a pool!! Guys, a pool! I haven’t had access to a public pool since I lived in California and let me tell you, I have seriously missed it. So that’s a huge plus. When I went and did a little walk-through tour, I kind of really liked it. Soooo I may have signed the lease. Except my parents have to be in on it too because hello, I’m a poor college student, and my dad is a lawyer so when it comes to signing contracts well…things can be a bit difficult. So I’m in a bit of a limbo with that. But of course he did his research and found out that the guy who owns the place is one of his good buddies so he just reached out to him. I don’t know guys, I just hope I get the lease approved haha. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Job transfer?? I’d still have my job, I’m a barista – not sure that I’ve mentioned that before, it would just be at a different store, one closer to where I’m at currently. Sounds good right? Less gas money, more convenient? However, I LOVE my current store. The team is so fun and it’s the healthiest work environment I’ve ever been in! Plus the store close to me is one of the slowest in the district so I wouldn’t make as much in tips. I have decided to see if I can work a shift at the closer store and talk to the manager to ask a few questions before making my final decision about whether or not to transfer so wish me luck chatterseeds.

Alrighty, I know you have all been desperately waiting, and maybe even scrolled through right to this point to see if there would be any, and I am happy to oblige and report that yes, I do have a boy story for this week’s post. Monday night I went on a date. The plan was to get food and go on a drive. The drive part I thought was kind of weird but hey, who knew if he would make it past the dinner test? Spoiler alert: he did not. He was very sweet and came to my door to pick me up and opened the car doors for me. However, he was on his phone a lot the entire date taking care of work things. Sure, sometimes work really needs to be taken care of in the moment, but it was past 7 o’clock and a first date. Like, really dude? Come on. Aside from that, the conversation did not flow at all. I would ask questions and there was rarely a follow up. I promise he was nice chatterseeds, but the vibes just weren’t vibing. Oh and the other thing that totally weirded me out? He kept talking about trying to be healthy and get in shape for summer which being healthy? Okay I suppose if you do it right that can be okay conversation. But getting in shape, on a first date? I don’t know about you but to me that’s just kind of weird. Of course I, trying to be polite and make conversation, joked that the groundhog said it would be six more weeks of winter (since groundhog day was Sunday) so he had time. Well then he said “six weeks to sexy.” Excuse me, what? Yes chatterseeds, he actually said that to me. Apparently, that is a phrase used by the elders in the mission field. – side note: Elders meaning boy missionaries as in the young Mormon dudes in white shirts and ties that come knocking on your door asking if you want to learn about your savior and read the Book of Mormon. – So yeah that was NOT the vibe. Super weird. I had homework to catch up on (I had been staying on top of it but listen sometimes you need a day to veg and that happened to be Monday) so I told him that I probably could not do a drive. He was chill about it and took me home. I will say chatterseeds, I give him points for walking me to my door, that’s a first so far I am sad to say. It is a very low bar.

Okay chatterseeds, this post is wrapping up. I will give you a little teaser of a potential new character to come, let’s just say I may have a Valentine this year…

You guys are the best! Thanks for sticking with me and as always, love you all. </3

chatterseeds! What is up y’all. I am currently writing while in the midst of a class lecture on grammar. I do not write very formally on here because this is not a professional blog and more just for my thoughts to be blasted to the world because why not. I promise I am normally a fairly attentive student but I needed to get this post out and figured I’d do it while I was thinking about it otherwise I would procrastinate, again.

This past weekend I got to go to California again! It was for more funeral related things which was sad but there was more closure and it was a very nice experience. It’s really cool because my friend’s graveside has a little built in vase! It’s a little metal type of cylinder that you can remove and fill with water at a near by hose and then you put your flowers in it. Something super cool that I have never seen or heard of before so now whenever I visit, I’ll have somewhere specific to put flowers! So dope.

Aside from graveside things, I got to do some fun things too! It was just my parents and I which was really nice since I’m the oldest and don’t get a lot of one on one time with them. Especially since I don’t live at home anymore. Anyways, it was fun. We got to stop at Downtown Disney which was sooo fun, my mom and I LOVE Disney so getting a little dose of magic even without going into the actual parks was awesome. We got beignets of course which were absolutely divine. Perfect after airplane snack. Then we just walked around the shops. I ended up getting a cute Mickey Mouse hat and bracelet and my mom got a mini Cinderella book journal! After that was graveside visit and then we got lunch with my friend’s family. It was nice to have one on one time with them and we got to hit up one of our favorite lunch spots, Tomato Joes. IYKYK. Then we went to the house we were spending the night at.

The next day I got to see my babies!!! Literally the best time ever. And no, I do not *actually* have any children, but these kids are basically mine. There are seven of them and I have babysat them since the oldest was in Kindergarten. What was absolutely wild was that said oldest, DROVE me to their house. Like what?! How did they grow up so fast. 😭 Anywho, after that quick little visit, my parents and I went to one of our absolute all time FAVORITE restaurants. It’s this little Lebanese place in Century City called Sunin. 10/10 definitely recommend. Best Lebanese food I have had since visiting Israel. After lunch, we got to go to the Los Angeles temple. It was a phenomenal experience. I love that temple so much and it is just absolutely gorgeous. After the temple it was time to fly back to Utah. We were in Cali for less than 48 hours but they were jam packed with lots of fun things.

That is the absolute highlight from the last week and all I am going to share this week. I hope you chatterseeds had a wonderful week and that you have an even better one this week. Love you all and thanks for reading! </3

Oh chatterseeds, a thousand apologies. Preexisting depression mixed with grief do not make a good combo. My goal is to be more consistent so even though I was going to wait to post until this weekend, I thought I might as well post now or I might keep procrastinating it. One thing I am learning about in my attempts to be a presence in social media is consistency. Consistency is key, I have to post something on schedule every time even if it isn’t the best quality. This way I get consistent.

Along with consistencies, boy stories. Remember the nice guy I mentioned last time chatterseeds? Well that did not pan out. He was nice but we just didn’t vibe romantically which is totally okay. That was my first time ever friendzoning a guy in person which was kind of scary. But, I am the type of person that has to be straight up about whatever it is I’m feeling ASAP, I can’t lie and drag things out. He took it well and things have been chill between us. Other than that? Nothing. I decided to take a little pause from the apps anyways because it was depressing me and making me feel more lonely than I already was.

Grief has been difficult chatterseeds. The one month mark for my friend passing away happened a couple of days ago and a wave of sadness just hit me out of nowhere. That was a hard day. I’m working through it though.

I started procrastinating schoolwork already. It’s barely been a week and a half chatterseeds and I am already falling back into my negative school habits. It’s okay though, after I’m finished writing this post I am going to sit down and force myself to do some homework chatterseeds. I’m getting restless. It’s hard to enjoy reading or watching a TV show anymore without feeling bored out of my mind. Right now I’m watching Criminal Minds. It’s a pretty good show but I think I slightly prefer NCIS.

Anyways chatterseeds I’m just mindlessly blabbering now so I’ll let ya go. Thanks for sticking with me y’all. </3

Heyyyy chatterseeds, what is up?? I was in Cali two weekends ago and then this last weekend, I got to go to Colorado for the first time! One thing to know about me is I absolutely LOVE to travel. I have been to many states within the US and a few countries outside of the US. It is one of my passions. Colorado Springs, Garden of the Gods, Manitou Springs, and Monument were all very cool. However, water from the springs is absolutely disgusting! It is sour and tangy and fizzy and just bleh! But hey, I tried it so no one can say I didn’t. Downtown Denver was absolutely ripe. The stench was awful; they have a homeless problem that I wish I could solve with a snap of my fingers. It was cool though, to be in another big city. With all my travel experience, I have discovered that I truly am a city girl. I just love the hustle and bustle. The countryside is nice for a while but too quiet longterm. I cannot sit with my thoughts that long haha. I need the fast paced city life. The suburbs are okay, I grew up in the suburbs of LA county and it was really nice. Either before I get married or at least, before I have kids, I would love to live in a little studio apartment in a big city like New York. Gosh I love New York. I’ve been twice and it is one of my top three favorite places in the world.

Okay chatterseeds, enough about the world for now. A little check-in, I am doing alright. Colorado was a good distraction and I have had some time now to process and while it is hard and grief will come in waves, I am ready to take on the new year and see what 2025 has for me. Speaking of new year, that means new semester and guess what y’all, I got accepted to the Communications Major at my university!!! I am so freaking stoked and cannot wait to bring you guys along with me! It is going to be absolutely awesome. I start classes up again on Wednesday and while I am excited, yes, I am a little nervous since I will be with a whole new group of people. I’m optimistic though chatterseeds, we’re going to make it a great semester.

Dating. Oh boy chatterseeds. Not much has really had time to happen in the last month or so with everything going on and what not however, there have been a couple of gentleman callers, if you can even call them gentlemen. I was texting with this one guy for a couple of weeks and we got along really great! We had a lot in common and a lot of the same values. And chatterseeds, the flirting was quite heavy. So when this guy decided to be all butt hurt about a joke and not talk about it claiming he doesn’t talk to people about his emotions, especially not practical strangers, I was caught off guard. Especially at him insinuating we were practical strangers. Of course we weren’t anything more then new friends I mean, we hadn’t even met in person yet! But for talking for two weeks in depth about each other and our likes and dislikes and what we wanted for our futures, I would say that we were a bit more than ‘strangers.’ Oh well, that ended quickly after that and we will just leave it there. There was another guy I chatted with briefly before we made plans to go out on a date and of course, the day of the date arrived and he starts acting super weird. chatterseeds, I am a go on dates, girlfriend kind of girl. Not a hookup NCMO (non-committal make-out) kind of girl and I make this clear before I go out with someone because boys in my city are something else entirely. Anyways, this guy is super chill about it, claiming he also wants a relationship and not some hook-up so I’m thinking everything is good and well. Then day of, he asks if I wanna drive to his house. I play dumb and ask why because of course I do not want to drive to his house on the first date my goodness. Later I check-in to see what the plan is and this guy is like “do you still wanna go out?” and I say something along the lines of yeah I just wasn’t sure what the plan was. Well, dude doesn’t respond so I just say cool and leave it at that when he says he’s “tired from work and [doesn’t] want to leave [his] bed.” That solves that then, no date with this guy. But! Do not lose hope chatterseeds for third time is a charm, is it not? I matched with someone and he is very sweet. We chatted for a few days before making plans to go out in the afternoon sometime this week to a little cafe. I am very excited and optimistic. This guy is much kinder and genuine than the other two so I feel good about it. Never fear chatterseeds, for I shall, as always, keep you updated on the happenings.

Alrighty chatterseeds, those are the highlights, thanks for sticking with me into the new year, love you all. </3

Hey chatterseeds! It has been a couple weeks, my apologies. While I am striving to be more consistent, I’m still a person like the rest of you and I have had some tragedy fall in the last couple of weeks.

I won’t go into too much detail, but I had a very dear friend pass away and this has just absolutely wrecked me. I am young enough that I have been lucky to have not experienced a loss or grief like this until now. However, this is just horrible, chatterseeds. Processing is nonexistent, my mind does not want it to be real and neither does my heart. While it comes in waves, as grief does, it did not feel truly real until the funeral service itself. The best way I can describe the service is beautifully devastating. It was difficult to begin with but when my friend’s brother spoke, it just absolutely broke my heart. Overall, the service was beautiful and did my friend justice though she of course, deserves so much more. I just have to take comfort in the fact that she is in a much better place now getting the help that she needs. It is also comforting to know that while I will never see her again in this life, I have faith I will see her again in the next and that is a day that I am eager to see.

Since the funeral was in the state where I grew up, I got to see two other very close friends and that was wonderful and much needed. One is my best friend from high school who now goes to school across the country. It is rare we are in the same city let alone the same state so it was really nice to be able to catch up and spend some time together. The other friend I grew up with, we’ve known each other since we were in diapers. We went to dinner with our families and then went hot tubing since I have really missed having public pools that are easily accessible. The only negative was that while we were hanging out, I was stung by a bee. Like come on, a bee? What was a bee doing out and about at 9pm and why was I the chosen victim? Do not fret chatterseeds for I am all right I just have a slightly swollen rash area. Totally gross I know but at least I am not extremely allergic.

chatterseeds, the last two weeks have been quite eventful to say the least. I am grateful for the friends and family I have around me that have supported me in the difficulties I have been experiencing. I am especially grateful for the support they have provided all year long. It just occurred to me that this will be my last post of 2024. Isn’t that weird?? I suppose I should do a year wrap up type of thing so here goes:

2024 what a year it has been. New diagnoses and medicines and therapies. New friends, new classes, new majors and new jobs. New hobbies and new skills. New passions and old passions, love and loss. Some highlights? Working at Starbucks, switching my major to Communications, rekindling an old friendship, seeing old friends, making a few new close friends. More piercings and adventures. Some lowlights? Losing a friend, financial instability, paralyzing depression, and relationship tensions. This year had it all and though it was all very difficult, both the good and bad, I am grateful. I am grateful for the love and support I have been blessed with. I also, am proud of myself. I have come a long way from January me to December me. I cannot wait to see what 2025 brings.

Thanks for joining me on the adventure that is my life, buckle up chatterseeds, into 2025 we go. </3

Hey chatterseeds! Hope all of your weeks went as well as they could. To be honest, I sometimes forget what I do during the week but as I’m writing it will come back to me. Anywho, YOU GUYS. I finally saw Wicked and oh my heavens I have no words. I mean, I have so many words that it feels as though I have none because I don’t know which ones to use! It was phenomenal, one of the best movies I have seen in a while, and I like to think of myself as an amateur critic and film fanatic, so that’s saying something. From watching the previews over the past few months, I knew that it would make me cry just from the music however, chatterseeds, I SOBBED. I could not stop crying at the end my poor dad’s handkerchief had tears and snot all over it. It was just amazing. I had seen the stage version when I was 7-years old, but wow. Phenomenal. And all the behind the scenes and film-making process fun facts are just astounding, I definitely recommend looking them up and checking it out because, wow.

Anyways, I could go on about movies and musicals forever so I will get into the week’s highlights. I got to spend time getting to know a good friend’s girlfriend and you guys, she is the sweetest, I just love her. She is just a wonderful, sweet soul and already is inspiring me to build better habits for myself spiritually. (If you don’t already know, I am religious – a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or our old street name, “Mormon” – and will reference this from time to time because well, it’s a big part of my life!) Anywho, I also went on a date this week. I know, exciting. I am finally sort of in the dating world so yay for that! The guy was super sweet leading up to the date and although very shy, super sweet on the date. We went to dinner at this place neither of us had been and it was not my usual style but pretty decent! He paid for the meal and opened my car doors, what a gentleman. I’m not sure if there will be a second date, but I am not opposed to the notion, and we have been texting since the date so that is a good sign, I think.

Y’all, the hot water in my apartment was off for most of the week, not fun. Thankfully, my family lives like, 15-2o minutes away so my roommate and I went down and took hot showers, had a nice homemade meal, and watched a Christmas movie! It was great…except for the part where I slipped and feel directly on my knee. Don’t worry chatterseeds, I am all good, just a bit bruised and tender. Honestly, it kind of cracks me up especially my family and roommate’s POVs. To them, one minute I was up and the next there was a loud *SMACK* and I was down. I guess my socks are just too soft and the kitchen floor too smooth.

This week began end of semester busy season. I had work at 4am three days in a row and then a lot to work on for school! I don’t mind waking up early for work, I much prefer it to going to bed late. And although I am a bit stressed with all the assignments and finals to get done, some of them have been fun to work on. This semester I switched my major from Psychology to Communications and so some of my final projects have included making short films which has actually be so fun! I am excited to finish editing and see the results.

Alright chatterseeds, this was a bit of a long one but you know what, sometimes that’s just how it is haha. I hope that you all have a great week this week and to those of you also in finals season, I wish you all the best of luck. We can do it soldiers. 🫡

Much love for all of you and thanks for reading! </3

Hello chatterseeds!! I hope that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving was alright, it involved a little family contention of course but then again, whose doesn’t? I had the entire week off of school and work besides a shift on Friday. It was great! However, I got sick at the beginning and also didn’t know what to do with all of the free time. I hung out with my family mostly at their house since they live pretty close to my apartment near campus. Now, my relationship with my family is many worlds of complicated so any extended period of time, especially when holidays are around, is bound to bring some conflict. Although, this year was much less contentious than years past so yay for that!

Something that has been hard for me for a long time but especially this week with all the free time, is loneliness. Now let’s get one thing straight, being alone and being lonely are two different things. I used to think they were the same and that I hated both, but I actually do not mind being alone as much as I used to. It gives me time to think which can sometimes be dangerous. Anyways, loneliness. Truthfully, I do not have much of a social life. I don’t have very many friends and I lack enough confidence to go out and do lots of things by myself and be happy about it. Now I don’t tell you this so you can pity me, I want the opposite of that. This is very cheesy because everyone says that everyone feels lonely sometimes and blah blah blah. While that may be true, it doesn’t need to invalidate the feeling that yeah, I wish I was doing something with someone and the truth that yeah, I don’t have very many friends. And you know what guys? That’s okay!

This year I have had a lot of personal growth in the feelings and emotions department. I have a lot of mental health struggles, (that maybe I’ll share eventually but for right now will leave it broad), that make regulating my emotions REALLY hard. All of my emotions tend to be extreme no matter how big or small the situation is and that is hard to manage sometimes. But I have a fantastic team that has supported me and helped me to grow so that I can handle my emotions better. So now when I have these dreadful feelings of loneliness, I allow myself to feel them because 1. they are totally valid and 2. if I don’t, then they will just build up and explode later. The trick is, not letting those feelings consume me. I’ve gotten great at feeling my feels and then accepting the reality and moving on with an optimistic outlook. Of course this doesn’t work every single time but hey, I’m still learning, just like all of us.

Anyways, I hope you all had a great holiday and didn’t feel too lonely. And if you did, that’s okay too. We all have feelings and holidays are tough. So buckle up and get ready for the biggest holiday of the year coming in just 24 days. And good luck to those who have finals the next two weeks, we can do it.

Love you all and thanks for reading! </3

Hey chatterseeds!! Have you ever really taken time to think about the things you are thankful for? I don’t do it nearly as often as I should. However, this week I randomly had the thought to start a little gratitude notebook. Usually when I think of gratitude journals I make it way too complicated. It can feel like you have to follow all of these rules like how many things you have to list and you HAVE to do it everyday. This time, I just genuinely wanted to write down a couple of the things I am grateful for and throughout the week I pulled it out and wrote in it. I didn’t do it everyday but the moments I did, it grounded me. I am a person with a LOT of anxiety. I have therapy and meds which is super great and all, but that really only mitigates it and helps to cope, it never just disappears. But there are moments when I do feel a sense of calm and peace and one of those is when I was writing in my little gratitude notebook.

This week was a bit of a struggle in the overthinking department. I had a really fun date last week and this guy is super cute and super sweet but, he takes FOREVER to respond. That part doesn’t completely bother me since when he does respond and when we went out the conversations were always awesome. What is making me anxiously overthink, is the fact that we discussed a second date to pick up our ceramics from the first date. We went to Color Me Mine*, a super fun place where you go and paint ceramics and then pick them up about a week later after they’ve been glazed and fired! It was super cute and a really fun time. I painted a little gingerbread ornament like the character Gingy from Shrek (one of my all time favorite movies). Anyways, he just hasn’t gotten back to me in a couple of days which isn’t unusual, but I guess I’m just super excited to go out again since I’ve been overthinking it so much haha.

Actually, the way we met is a really funny and kind of embarrassing story. So I work at a Starbucks which is like, the best job ever, and a new car wash just opened up across the street. The car wash had sign twirlers posted throughout various points along both sides of the street to advertise their new opening and one really cold morning one of the sign twirlers was near our drive-thru window. I thought I should bring him some hot cocoa to keep him warm so I brought a cup out to him. I thought he was cute and came back in the store and told my coworkers and they were all telling me I should have given him my number. I protested claiming it would be totally embarrassing but ended up taking him a water cup with my name and number on it. Throughout my shift I would occasionally look over at him sign twirling and as it got warmer he took of his hat and gloves and at one moment, I SAW A WEDDING RING!!! I was absolutely MORTIFIED. I mean sure yes how was I supposed to know, but still, incredibly embarrassing. The rest of the day I avoided making eye contact. However, later in the afternoon I got a text from the guy telling me thanks for the cocoa and that he’s married, but, he has a coworker who is super fun and nice and wondered if he could pass my number along to him! I thought that was so sweet and said sure, why not? I mean, what have I got to lose right guys? So his friend texted me and thus I met my date.

Anyways chatterseeds, my biggest takeaways from this week are that I want to practice gratitude more, it’s okay to be anxious but it doesn’t need to rule my life, and everyone is going through and doing their own things.

Thanks for reading, love you all!! </3

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